This is such an insightful post and I think a lot of people will relate. It's natural for us to worry in this way, though to greater or lesser degrees. I related so much to what you said about feeling more comfortable being able to take time with your thoughts in written form than when speaking. My mind races, and it's easy for me to become flustered in social settings or to run thought experiments in real time (not recommended!), and I love the way writing allows me to pause, think, choose my words, and revise a phrase or idea....
But then, there is the tension of knowing, now that I have had the luxury of that time, all the excuses are stripped away. Whatever I have written is not an accident. Unlike a thoughtless slip of the tongue in casual conversation, it is intentional and I have to own it. That's scary. That has sometimes made me hesitate when hitting "publish."
The things I try to remember when I start to feel that nagging "should I/shouldn't I" feeling creep up on me: 1) perfection is impossible and failures are inevitable, so own imperfection, 2) everyone is entitled to their perspective, including me, 3) every post is a brief snapshot of an evolving writer and (despite social media) doesn't define me forever, 4) I have no control over anyone's beliefs, opinions, or preferences, but I can stay true to my own, and 5) for better or worse, I'm stuck being me, so I might as well enjoy it; I'm not about to ask permission to be myself or say what I think.
I wrote a little about this kind of thing (not worrying about what critics think) a while back:
Well, this is something I don't really know how to address. I don't worry about things I have no control over. I have no control over how people will react to what I write. But I only write fiction. I don't write essays. That gives me a freedom. I've had more than enough reasons to feel anxiety. I worked in a sawmill starting at 19. We've been on strike at least 7 times. And the mill burned down to the ground once--that means everything you have, all your savings, are lost. Not an easy thing to contend with when you have a wife and two kids. You do what you have to do in order to make ends meet. But you have to tell yourself, it's not in my control. Nothing is in my control. So you go out and find a job that will help pay the bills until the strike is over, or the mill is rebuilt.
I write for no other reason than to entertain myself. I'm selfish that way. Sure, I have this great platform to put my stuff out on, but even if I didn't, I'd still write. I've been writing since I was 14-15 years old. I never thought to publish anything because I never thought I was good enough, so I didn't bother with it. I'd send stuff out, it would come back. I'd try again. It didn't matter if I sold or not, not to my mind. I was never going to make more money writing than I was working in a sawmill. I was making more money in the mill than half the people I knew who had gone to college, or University. When I finally did get published, it was with an online magazine that didn't pay. I've never been paid for my writing, until now. I'm making a whopping $193 for this year.
And as for anxiety, if even anyone should feel it, I suppose it would be me. I had a horrific accident at work in which my best friend died under the wheels of my machine, having slid under it on a sheet of ice. They were very concerned about anxiety, and possible suicide, and all of that shit. I told my counsellors I have a mantra that I've been telling myself since I first learned it in High school English Lit class: "The mind is its own place, and of itself can make a Hell of Heaven, or a Heaven of Hell." It might not be exact, but it's worked for me.
If people don't like what I write, that's not on me, that's on them. I like my writing. I think I'm pretty good. I tell myself I've got 20 years to prove to the world that I'm worth their time and effort. When I hit 1000 subscribers, my serial work goes up behind the paywall. My short stories will always be free. I'm thinking within 2 years I'll have 1000...but I'm not worried about it. I might get there sooner, and I might not. I lose subscribers. It used to bother me...a lot. But again, that's not on me, is it, that's on them. When I go paid, I'll probably lose a lot of subscribers, but maybe I won't. Maybe they'll want to stay and read my short stories? Maybe they'll convert? Maybe they won't? Are these questions for me to lose sleep over? No. Why? Because they're not in my control. The only thing in my control is what I write. As long as what I write sounds good to me, what more can I ask of myself? If I second guess myself, I'm never going to hit the "Post" button.
Thank you for sharing, Winston! Two practices always help me whenever worry starts to creep into my headspace.
1) I do the same as you-- write it out. I have a notebook where I write out a list of things bothering me. Once they’re on paper, they’ve transformed from an amorphous, untouchable feeling to a concrete idea and, most importantly, out of my head. At that point I essentially give myself written advice on each point in the list. Who better to give advice than the person who knows me best-- me?! LOL but it works every time.
2) I remind myself that no one really cares. It might sound mean, but I don’t see it that way because it’s so true! Soon as I remember that whatever I’m worrying about doesn’t matter to anyone else, I regain that freedom to not care, either. There is no reason not to be who we are, write what we want, follow the creative spark and see where it leads us!
I’m glad you wrote and shared this. Writing is a way for me to bring my worries into the light which in turn provides comfort and helps me find community.
These same thoughts sometimes run uncontrolled through my mind and I believe you have articulated them better than I could have done. But these thoughts are the very things with which we must come to terms. Thanks for writing!
That was definitely deep young man, but very insightful. I liked the Baz Lurhmann reference, I love that song. Great job of putting into words your feelings of being worried. Unfortunately, now I’m worrying, that you’re worrying about too many things happening in your life. As my world turns, I’ve learned you can’t worry over something that hasn’t happened yet or even events that have happened. Just put it Gods hands and expect whatever happens is his will, then you’ll stop worrying about everything, period.
Hail, sweet Winston! Anxiety and her descendents are indeed difficult friends to keep. One small aside, and I dislike being the one to say: Mary Schmich wrote the words that became "The Sunscreen Song." Here are some details: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wear_Sunscreen
Personally, I never had anxiety until my son & I were separated from my wife
Long story short, she's from a 3rd World country. We had to leave her 3 years ago bc authorities took Covid lockdowns to an extreme over there. For my son's well- being, had to get him out & home to U.S. I started having panic attacks bc I didn't know when if ever I'd meet income requirements to get her visa. It all rests on my shoulders. To somehow, someway sell enough books, get enough paid subscribers to meet that requirement. Lot of pressure.
I remind myself, when such worries are lurking around, that writing is my choice, and it needs to stay like that; if it turns into big stakes, checklists and metrics, it’s the end of it. Luckily, I don’t have to make a living as a writer, so I can give myself that space to engage with writing playfully. Thanks for posting this!
One thing I know for sure Winston, is that you don’t have to worry about your writing ✍️. It’s insightful, inspiring, educational and very entertaining. You hit the nail on the head about me in so many ways while reading your post. When I was young I hid my anxiety because I stayed so busy, now I’m finding I stay busy but can’t hide it anymore. My mind is still young and I have projects that I want to accomplish but my body is changing and the ability to keep the pace is disheartening.
So, anxiety is more prevalent for others to see and harder for me to deal with. I’ve always put my entire self in everything I do striving to be perfect and when I’m not it’s hard to accept. I have always refused the idea of medication and I really believe it’s something I can work through. I find having all of my projects going at the same time channels it and I don’t have time to feel it. My New Years resolution will be that I stop and smell the roses, relax without projects, and enjoy what beautiful people and things I actually have in my life and stop trying to improve on everything. I have the most loving husband and a beautiful home 🏡, two sons and so I am complete. Thank you for allowing me to express myself and knowing I won’t be judged is a very nice thing.
This is such an insightful post and I think a lot of people will relate. It's natural for us to worry in this way, though to greater or lesser degrees. I related so much to what you said about feeling more comfortable being able to take time with your thoughts in written form than when speaking. My mind races, and it's easy for me to become flustered in social settings or to run thought experiments in real time (not recommended!), and I love the way writing allows me to pause, think, choose my words, and revise a phrase or idea....
But then, there is the tension of knowing, now that I have had the luxury of that time, all the excuses are stripped away. Whatever I have written is not an accident. Unlike a thoughtless slip of the tongue in casual conversation, it is intentional and I have to own it. That's scary. That has sometimes made me hesitate when hitting "publish."
The things I try to remember when I start to feel that nagging "should I/shouldn't I" feeling creep up on me: 1) perfection is impossible and failures are inevitable, so own imperfection, 2) everyone is entitled to their perspective, including me, 3) every post is a brief snapshot of an evolving writer and (despite social media) doesn't define me forever, 4) I have no control over anyone's beliefs, opinions, or preferences, but I can stay true to my own, and 5) for better or worse, I'm stuck being me, so I might as well enjoy it; I'm not about to ask permission to be myself or say what I think.
I wrote a little about this kind of thing (not worrying about what critics think) a while back:
https://jmelliott.substack.com/p/thats-just-like-your-opinion-man
Well, this is something I don't really know how to address. I don't worry about things I have no control over. I have no control over how people will react to what I write. But I only write fiction. I don't write essays. That gives me a freedom. I've had more than enough reasons to feel anxiety. I worked in a sawmill starting at 19. We've been on strike at least 7 times. And the mill burned down to the ground once--that means everything you have, all your savings, are lost. Not an easy thing to contend with when you have a wife and two kids. You do what you have to do in order to make ends meet. But you have to tell yourself, it's not in my control. Nothing is in my control. So you go out and find a job that will help pay the bills until the strike is over, or the mill is rebuilt.
I write for no other reason than to entertain myself. I'm selfish that way. Sure, I have this great platform to put my stuff out on, but even if I didn't, I'd still write. I've been writing since I was 14-15 years old. I never thought to publish anything because I never thought I was good enough, so I didn't bother with it. I'd send stuff out, it would come back. I'd try again. It didn't matter if I sold or not, not to my mind. I was never going to make more money writing than I was working in a sawmill. I was making more money in the mill than half the people I knew who had gone to college, or University. When I finally did get published, it was with an online magazine that didn't pay. I've never been paid for my writing, until now. I'm making a whopping $193 for this year.
And as for anxiety, if even anyone should feel it, I suppose it would be me. I had a horrific accident at work in which my best friend died under the wheels of my machine, having slid under it on a sheet of ice. They were very concerned about anxiety, and possible suicide, and all of that shit. I told my counsellors I have a mantra that I've been telling myself since I first learned it in High school English Lit class: "The mind is its own place, and of itself can make a Hell of Heaven, or a Heaven of Hell." It might not be exact, but it's worked for me.
If people don't like what I write, that's not on me, that's on them. I like my writing. I think I'm pretty good. I tell myself I've got 20 years to prove to the world that I'm worth their time and effort. When I hit 1000 subscribers, my serial work goes up behind the paywall. My short stories will always be free. I'm thinking within 2 years I'll have 1000...but I'm not worried about it. I might get there sooner, and I might not. I lose subscribers. It used to bother me...a lot. But again, that's not on me, is it, that's on them. When I go paid, I'll probably lose a lot of subscribers, but maybe I won't. Maybe they'll want to stay and read my short stories? Maybe they'll convert? Maybe they won't? Are these questions for me to lose sleep over? No. Why? Because they're not in my control. The only thing in my control is what I write. As long as what I write sounds good to me, what more can I ask of myself? If I second guess myself, I'm never going to hit the "Post" button.
Thank you for sharing, Winston! Two practices always help me whenever worry starts to creep into my headspace.
1) I do the same as you-- write it out. I have a notebook where I write out a list of things bothering me. Once they’re on paper, they’ve transformed from an amorphous, untouchable feeling to a concrete idea and, most importantly, out of my head. At that point I essentially give myself written advice on each point in the list. Who better to give advice than the person who knows me best-- me?! LOL but it works every time.
2) I remind myself that no one really cares. It might sound mean, but I don’t see it that way because it’s so true! Soon as I remember that whatever I’m worrying about doesn’t matter to anyone else, I regain that freedom to not care, either. There is no reason not to be who we are, write what we want, follow the creative spark and see where it leads us!
I’m glad you wrote and shared this. Writing is a way for me to bring my worries into the light which in turn provides comfort and helps me find community.
A very thoughtful post on a topic every writer struggles with. Good stuff.
These same thoughts sometimes run uncontrolled through my mind and I believe you have articulated them better than I could have done. But these thoughts are the very things with which we must come to terms. Thanks for writing!
That was definitely deep young man, but very insightful. I liked the Baz Lurhmann reference, I love that song. Great job of putting into words your feelings of being worried. Unfortunately, now I’m worrying, that you’re worrying about too many things happening in your life. As my world turns, I’ve learned you can’t worry over something that hasn’t happened yet or even events that have happened. Just put it Gods hands and expect whatever happens is his will, then you’ll stop worrying about everything, period.
Hail, sweet Winston! Anxiety and her descendents are indeed difficult friends to keep. One small aside, and I dislike being the one to say: Mary Schmich wrote the words that became "The Sunscreen Song." Here are some details: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wear_Sunscreen
Personally, I never had anxiety until my son & I were separated from my wife
Long story short, she's from a 3rd World country. We had to leave her 3 years ago bc authorities took Covid lockdowns to an extreme over there. For my son's well- being, had to get him out & home to U.S. I started having panic attacks bc I didn't know when if ever I'd meet income requirements to get her visa. It all rests on my shoulders. To somehow, someway sell enough books, get enough paid subscribers to meet that requirement. Lot of pressure.
I remind myself, when such worries are lurking around, that writing is my choice, and it needs to stay like that; if it turns into big stakes, checklists and metrics, it’s the end of it. Luckily, I don’t have to make a living as a writer, so I can give myself that space to engage with writing playfully. Thanks for posting this!
One thing I know for sure Winston, is that you don’t have to worry about your writing ✍️. It’s insightful, inspiring, educational and very entertaining. You hit the nail on the head about me in so many ways while reading your post. When I was young I hid my anxiety because I stayed so busy, now I’m finding I stay busy but can’t hide it anymore. My mind is still young and I have projects that I want to accomplish but my body is changing and the ability to keep the pace is disheartening.
So, anxiety is more prevalent for others to see and harder for me to deal with. I’ve always put my entire self in everything I do striving to be perfect and when I’m not it’s hard to accept. I have always refused the idea of medication and I really believe it’s something I can work through. I find having all of my projects going at the same time channels it and I don’t have time to feel it. My New Years resolution will be that I stop and smell the roses, relax without projects, and enjoy what beautiful people and things I actually have in my life and stop trying to improve on everything. I have the most loving husband and a beautiful home 🏡, two sons and so I am complete. Thank you for allowing me to express myself and knowing I won’t be judged is a very nice thing.